WMH Season 4 Ep 6: The Many Faces of Survival Living with D.I.D.

This is a transcript of Watching Mental Health Season 4, Episode 6 which you can watch and listen to here:

Katie: Hi, everyone. Welcome to another episode of Watching Mental Health. And I'm so excited because we have a really great episode today where we're going to be diving into a really important topic. We're going to be breaking down stigma. And I think we're all going to be learning a little bit because my guest today is Mike Cuevas and he didn't just survive trauma. He survived losing himself. And living with disassociative identity disorder, he spent years navigating internal chaos, missing time, and identities really built for war from that trauma. His memoir, The Many Faces of Me, exposes the truth that most people never see, which is what DID feels like from the inside, why the mind really fractures, how to find healing, and how to break down stigma around this subject that I think is so confusing for so many still to this day.

And so on this episode, we're going to be turning silence into understanding. And with that, I'm so excited to bring onto the show Mike Cuevas. Welcome to Watching Mental Health.

Mike: Thank you, Katie. I appreciate it. Thank you for inviting a voice to a room that hardly ever gets invited. Thank you.

Katie: Absolutely. And that's exactly it, right? Is this topic is so stigmatized. People hear DID, they hear disassociative identity disorder, and they just don't really understand. And I think that really we need to be breaking down these walls by talking to people like yourself who have had these lived experiences. And you're really the expert in that in somebody who's had this lived experience. And so with that, before we get into what DID is, I first always like to ask my guests a little bit about just who they are in their own words. And so tell us a little bit more about yourself.

Mike: Well, my name is Mike Guevas. I'm a father first, author, speaker, and now I'm an advocate, especially because I do live with dissociative identity disorder. I help people understand that DID is not broken. It's adaptive strength. It's a nervous system that adapted to survive. So my work is about breaking down the stigma, turning confusion into clarity, turning into isolation into connectivity, basically being empathetic with one another.

Katie: Yeah, absolutely. And I think that that's really essential to be an advocate in this space and to be a speaker on breaking down some of these stigmas. So with that, let's just talk about it. What is DID? I think people maybe hear that term and they get confused or perhaps they confuse it with things like schizoaffective disorder or they confuse it with multiple personality disorder, that kind of common phrase that's thrown out that really doesn't identify what DID is. So let's talk about it. So what is it and why do people get so confused maybe around this topic?

Mike: Well, DID is ... Let me slow this down just a little bit because it really does matter. Yeah. DID was a way to develop a nervous system to be able to absorb a traumatic event. It's a mind's way of saying, "This is too much for a child to absorb on its own. Let's divide and conquer this together." And that's what DID really is. It's a survival system, a strong adaptation system.

Katie: Yeah, absolutely. And it seems like DID happens after a significant trauma, right? Where like you're saying, the brain is kind of needing to step away. Is that typically how DID forms and what are some of the symptoms that people experience who have DID?

Mike: For me, and I could speak ... Often when I do speak, I speak about my experience. And the reason I do that is because speaking with other members of the community, people get it for different reasons. The one common factor is it did come from a traumatic event. The disassociation is very common. And the reason that is, is when we see dissociation, we think brokenness, we think, okay, that's a split. When a reality, what it is, is it's a survival. It's a way for us to adapt to the situation at hand. It might be because an emotional event has been too severe for the mind to absorb at that moment. What we see as mood swings, numbness, franticness, anxiety, what it really is, is the nervous system trying to adapt and survive to its surrounding. And that's really what it is. And it shouldn't be seen as a danger or chaos.

It should be seen as, okay, what happened? How is this person surviving? How can we help?

Katie: Yeah. Yeah, definitely. And so that's interesting that those are the symptoms that we see from the outside, because it feels like from the inside, there's a whole nother realm happening, right? It's maybe chaos. I don't know. So what is it like to experience it from the inside, from somebody who's maybe had that experience?

Mike: So often when I speak to people, I can tell them about my chaos, but what I've noticed is unless they're the ideal community that actually live with it, it's hard to actually understand. So what I've come to learn is there's one event that happened to me that when I speak about it, especially in support groups, other people that have DID can relate. And that is ... During my therapy session, I went through EDMR. I also tried other things, but EDMR is one of the things that I worked on. Coming out of a session, I was reliving a traumatic event that got so intense that my body literally started to shut down. I remember being in my car, holding the steering wheels tight, holding the steering wheel like my life depended on it. It was literally like the world was caving in inside of that car. Wow.

Now, at that moment, I didn't know that my body was already starting to switch. This is before I was diagnosed, by the way. But I do remember a part of me put on some Lincoln Park and all I could hear was some rock music. Now that took me from a frantic state to a, "Okay, I got this. " My protector took over. My altar took over and got me through the day. I don't know how I did it. I have text messages, I got my work done, I got everything done, but all I can remember was sitting in that car holding that steering wheel. And I think that's what, if I could relate what it feels like from the inside, that's what it feels like. Now, when I try to remember moments like that right away, there's always a fog, and I think that's where this association comes in because I'll be, throughout my day, I'm like, "Okay, I know I got here, but how did I make it here safely?" And I try to recall those events.

Katie: Yeah. Wow, that's so interesting. So for people who are like ... That sounds like multiple personality disorder. What would you say to those people? What's the mistake there?

Mike: That there are personalities that there are different parts. I think the separation or separating personalities, that's the misunderstanding. Where I try to come in is we're many chapters. There's different chapters that happen in our life and different parts of different altars that arose from those chapters, but we're all in one book. So it's not multiple personalities. It's just different parts of us that we learn to accept, have compassion for, and walk forward with. Wow.

Katie: It's such an interesting, I think, new, and it's not new, it's just still not in that mainstream way to talk about DID. And I think people can still just oftentimes say maybe stigmatizing language without realizing what the meaning of that is. Have you seen either a shift in culture where maybe it's getting easier to talk about these things, people are more understanding, or have you seen maybe that happen? Have you seen an example maybe in a movie or an example of where DID has been represented well from your perspective?

Mike: For movie, from my perspective. And from my perspective, I'm going to say simply this, movies made it more difficult for me to come out and say what was going inside my head,

Especially the movie Split when that movie came out, more people were looking at me. I saw more micro expression like, "This guy, I think this guy has one of that. " So it made me nervous. It made me shrink. It put me in a corner where I shouldn't have belonged. I should have spoke up a lot sooner. I should have stood my ground and actually, you know what? It's okay to be human. It's okay to have these parts of me. It's okay to accept these parts of me and that Hollywood stigma keeps me or kept me from speaking up.

Katie: Wow.

Mike: So that's part of my work now and the shift that I saw, and I only say this because Nevada really has a high rate of mental disability disorders with a low number of doors of opportunities to be open. So the responsibility of that rests on the community, on those of us advocates and friends that don't really know how to help, but are willing to. And I say that because when I found out I had DID, not a lot of people wanted to work with me. I wanted to reach out to the therapists that specialize in DID and the list was so short and so forthcoming that it made it nearly impossible for me to continue my healing, for me to continue my process of understanding. And I got to a very low point where I got dehydrated from life. I got exhausted of trying to keep everything internally intact that it led me to a gym.

I wasn't there confidently, I wasn't certain, but the coach gave me five to 10 minutes. Five, 10 minutes might not seem like much, but in that moment, it was everything. He took the time to see me, listen to me and not judge me or interrogate me. After those five minutes, he allowed my nervous system to feel safe.

He put his hand on my shoulder and he said, "Mike, the man who walked in that door..." No, sorry. "The man walking at that door is stronger than the man walking in that door." And I thank Coach Mark for that every day because when I went home, I realized something. The version of me that woke up today is stronger than the version of me who fell asleep and I walk with that because of him and I thank Coach Mark for that.

Katie: Wow. That's amazing. And it sounds like what you needed was safety and what you got was ... And finally you got that, but that must have been so difficult to have to go through those barriers to finally get there. And you're right, Nevada, our numbers are not good and people are struggling and people are slipping through the cracks all the time. So for anybody who's maybe struggling with DID or who doesn't know, who's struggling with lost time, struggling with these symptoms, struggling with this chaos, what would you recommend to them? How would you help or how would you recommend that they find that first step in safety that they're able to reach out for help?

Mike: Reach out for help and safety actually go hand in hand. And the first step is actually allowing yourself to be human, showing yourself some self-compassion. That would be the first step. And that's something I regret not ever doing to myself until after coach. It took a boxing coach to tell me you have to have compassion for yourself,

Katie: Right?

Mike: But that'd be the first step. Once you have self-compassion for yourself and once you allow yourself to be human, there's always first step after that is tell somebody, somebody, anybody. It could be your neighbor, it could be your dog. Honestly, what helped me more than anything was NAMI here in Vegas off of Charleston that free peer support group every Wednesday and there's nothing more calming and satisfactory to hear somebody else say what's inside of here to know that you're not the only one dealing with it. That's why I'm thankful for NAMI. Their doors are open Monday through Friday. I think you have background in NAMI, don't you?

Katie: I love NAMI. I do. I love NAMI. And yeah, NAMI Southern Nevada is where I started and was introduced to the organization. And you're absolutely right. They have peer support groups. They also have family support groups. And so you can come in as that loved one and you can come in as that person who's struggling and NAMI's there for you. And I think that's so amazing that you say that because truly we say you're not alone and people don't understand, I think the power of that until they are struggling and somebody saying it to them in that moment, right?

Mike: You're not crazy. It felt great. It felt amazing to hear somebody else says, "You know what? Yeah, there's people out there that I'm fighting with.

At the time I was no longer fighting with them, but to hear somebody else go, I'm like, "All right, dude, I know where you're at." Right. Great. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for sharing where you're at. Give me hug you, man.You're not by yourself, bro. You got better days ahead."

Katie: Yeah. I love it. Oh my gosh. I love that. And that gives me chills. It's so powerful, that power of human connection in a recovery and healing journey. And so let's talk about that a little bit. What did your recovery journey look like? You mentioned EMDR. Was that helpful? Was that triggering? And what are some of the other tools that you've picked up to really help on your healing journey?

Mike: Well, I had to understand that the healing journey was really my life because up until recently, I avoided therapy, of course, because of the stigma behind it, but also because I have a past traumatic event that kept me from reliving that, so it kept me from seeking help. So throughout my life, I've developed tools. I'm a fan of Batman. I am Batman. His utility belt, so he had a utility belt, so he had a proper tool, a proper weapon for every scenario. So throughout life, I'm like, "All right, I developed this tool, which was meditation." Then a couple years later, I found sound meditation, drumming. Oh my God, drum therapy is amazing. But when I actually got real therapeutic help,

I went through EDMR, I went through IFS because prior to my therapy, I was already started talking to them. I was already starting to acknowledge them, but I was more shameful of them. And I think that's where the journey actually became the battle because the journey is like, okay, I'm living life, forget. But no, there came a point where I'm like, "You know what? I got to understand what's going inside of me here so I could be a present father, so I could be present period." There was a moment where I finally said this was enough, and I truly forget where I heard it from, but when I heard it, it was kind of a light bulb moment. When you decide to heal, not only do you heal yourself, do you heal seven generations after you?

Katie: Wow.

Mike: And that to me was more important than anything because I was raised with a poor ethic. My dad had three jobs, my mom had two jobs, and now I was raised like, "No, you just work your ass off to work and work, work, work, work, work, work." So I thought wealth was money. And when I started this healing process, I'm like, what true wealth is teaching my boys how to deal with their emotions, to not live with trauma, to have confidence, to be able to stand up for themselves at this young age, and to thrive in life. That's true wealth. And after I heard that, okay, I need to get better. Let me walk my ass to a boxing gym right now.

Katie: That's beautiful. I love that you say that, and it brings me back to the beginning of our conversation. And you said the first thing, first and foremost, I'm a father. And it feels like you being a dad has really rooted you in continuing healing even when it's hard, even on the difficult days, it's kind of like in some ways that purpose to help you keep going. Is that true? Is it kind of that moment? And it seems like it is from what you just said, like that moment of fatherhood is really what was like, now it's time for me to get better.

Mike: I wish I could say it was the moment my son was born, because obviously it's joy, incredible joy. It's the first time I knew and felt what unconditional love meant.

That's part of why I think I have the idea is I never truly had that. So having that, I'm like, "Okay, the seed was born. The seed was planted and over the years I just kept watering and watering until I decided, okay, that light bulb moment, that's when the seed kind of sprouted and my roots started to grow." But it wasn't until I asked myself, why am I going to go through the battles? Why am I going to get up and do these mental exercises that we perform every day? Why am I going to print out this worksheet and write what am I feeling? What am I past? How am I going to heal from this? Why am I going to do this?

And when we actually sat down and started sitting with our thoughts and our parts, one common thread that we had among each other is that we are going to look out for our boys. We're going to give them the best future that we never had. And we've pat ourselves on the back because up until this point, they don't even have a quarter of the issues that I had. So big. Yeah, perfect. And they are a why and my why is sacred. So I know that I would never relent from this. And man, there are tough days, of course, man. There's always tough days, but I know why I'm going to get back up. I know why I'm going to do my mental exercises. I know why I'm going to show them some compassion and be like, "Hey, I know you're upset right now. Let's sit with it why you're upset.

All right. Good? We're good. All right. Let's move forward." And that's what life is. That's why I don't call it a journey. It really is a battle. Do you want to do the exercise today? Yes or no? And that's really what it is. Yeah.

Katie: Wow. What a beautifully human response. We're not perfect, but we need ... And even when our why is in front of us, it can take time to see it, to have that light bulb moment. And that's so true across the board for all of us. And I just think that ... So just thank you so much for being so authentic in your answer. And yeah, it's the why, right? We need a why. We need a reason and not just a purpose, but a why that really hits. And sometimes the why is in front of us and we don't even know it. And sometimes we do and it takes a while to get there. And I just think that it's just so powerful and your journey has really been powerful. I can tell. I can tell the passion and just where you're at in your healing, you've come so far.

And so with that, tell us a little bit more about your memoir. And for anyone who maybe wants to learn more about what your journey is, what is your memoir and can we access it and all of that good stuff?

Mike: Well, my memoir, I wrote it because I knew I wasn't the only one. I'm originally from South Los Angeles, a heavy Latino population, and we were raised with machismo and that machismo is part of the reason why I have what I have. So I know in our culture, in the Latino culture, I think it's more widespread than we think, but we've been so in tuned to shove everything inside. I remember speaking to my cousin, Abrimo, I got issues, man. And his first response is, "Bro, we don't do with that, man. We just shove everything inside. We keep going, bro. Don't even bring it up." And that's not the case because what I found out is the longer I prolong my healing, the worse I got. So the many faces of me is the name of my memoir. It could be found on Amazon. If any of the exercises resonated, I wrote exercises for you could get them on your show links on your notes that people can do as well because I know DID is so hard to find somebody.

So I made grounding tools that can help.

Katie: Wow. Awesome. Okay, cool. So I definitely am going to want to get the link to your book and so then we can link that and have that available for people. I think that's so cool. You're really out there not only advocating on behalf of people who are struggling, but then this book is actually reaching out to those people as well, is what it sounds like. So I think that's really awesome. So before we get out of here, I want to ask you one more question that I always like to ask my guests who are in this space and I'm just really interested in what you have to say here. And really the question is, for anyone who may be struggling or maybe who has a diagnosis of DID, is it something that you think that they can overcome quote unquote or something that you live with for the rest of your life and you need to have kind of tools in your tool belt at hand to manage that diagnosis.

Is it something where you can work through the trauma and get better and never have to worry about it again? Or are you always going to have a little bit of kind of needing to manage those symptoms?

Mike: I don't think a mental disorder is something you can overcome. It's definitely something you have to integrate as being part of you, as accepting yourself, being true to yourself, having compassion for yourself. For anyone that just got diagnosed, dealing with a diagnosis, I would have to say this, you're not broken. You have a strong, adaptive survival system that is stronger than you think. That doesn't mean you're broken, doesn't mean you're crazy. It means you're stronger than you think you are because you still endure to be here. The version of you that's here today is stronger than the version of you that fell asleep, period.

Katie: That's beautiful. Thank you so much. And again, thank you just for your authenticity, for showing up, being willing to tell part of your story. It can be so hard to get out there and to be real, to open your heart. I've been hosting this show for two and a half years and I still haven't said some of my story. And so I really just have my hats off to you and it matters because the people who are struggling need to hear it. And if it's just one other person that hears this episode and that makes a difference, then I feel like we did our job. And I'm just so grateful again that you came on here and we're so open.

Mike: I'm grateful that you allow us the space. Thank you. Thank you so much for allowing us the space to actually convey this because mental health does matter and matters because we should feel safe within our own minds.

Katie: Yeah, absolutely. And yeah, anytime. I always want to be an open space, open and safe space for us to have these conversations and to really get it out there and to break down that stigma and to turn silence into understanding, right? So again, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for everybody who's tuned into this episode. This was such a powerful episode for me just to hear about your experience and about DID from somebody who has had this diagnosis. And we're here every first and third Wednesday of the month to have these authentic conversations, to get real, to break down these stigmas. And so please join us and then if you can't join us live on the first and third Wednesdays, see all of our episodes at katierosewaechter.com. Thanks again everyone, and have a great one.